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My Wife and Comrade (Mirror magazine series, 1998)

(From an essay series by Daisaku Ikeda first published in the Philippine magazine Mirror, in 1998)

My wife, Kaneko, is a woman who fills me with admiration. She is a partner and a companion, at times a nurse and an invaluable assistant, at times like a mother, a friend or sister. But most of all she has been my best and closest comrade through all life's struggles.

I was once asked by a women's magazine what award I would give her for her efforts since she married me. This was a very difficult question! In the end I said I would give her a "Smile Award." The magazine people also asked me to express a few words of appreciation to my wife. So I said, "My marriage has been the greatest and most precious happiness in my life. I would tell my wife that if I was to be born again, I would hope to be married to her again and again, in lifetime after lifetime, throughout eternity."

My wife knows the truth about me better than anyone, and I think I know her devotion and patience better than anyone else could. So, I would ask her if she could be there for me always. But maybe this sounds more like a help wanted ad, than a message of thanks!

Generally speaking, Japanese men are rather clumsy when it comes to expressing appreciation, or words of affection to their wives. I hope men in other countries are much better in this respect. Quiet mutual understanding can be fine at times, but if these emotions are expressed verbally, I am sure that the relationship between a husband and wife will become much richer and more fulfilling. When one speaks frankly and openly, from the heart, about the things that matter most, one freely reveals oneself, making it possible to be better understood and loved by others.

Marriage begins, after all, with two strangers thrown together. If you forget this very simple fact, you start to expect more and more from your partner, and this can lead to dissatisfaction and eventually to friction in your relationship. The bond that brings a married couple together must be forged so it is even deeper than the ties between blood relations. And such a bond can only be based on the depth of one's character.

I think what is necessary in a marriage are very ordinary things like care and consideration. Just like the sun, rising from the east every day, something ordinary and constant is always necessary in life. There is no instant magical formula to a good marriage. I think our relationship is in some ways built on very ordinary foundations.

I have a very busy life and Kaneko helps by keeping a record of everything that happens to me. She used to say to me "Such and such happened exactly a year ago," or "It was just like this two years ago." Initially I was very impressed by her good memory. Then I realized the secret was the five-year diary she kept!

I call my wife "Lieutenant," because she is always giving me advice and cautioning me about various matters. Women tend to be more practical than men, and view everything with the strength of a realism rooted in daily life. No man can match a woman's keen intuition to see through to the essence of things, her depth of wisdom and her ability to take calm action.

My wife often worries about my health and my tendency to overwork. When I was young and we were first married, I suffered from TB and I wasn't expected to live beyond 30. It has been wonderful for me to have her watching attentively over me all these years, and seeing her smile often made me feel better than any medicine.

Kaneko is never without a smile. And she is so optimistic that she often amazes me. She says "I've learned a lot, having gone with you through many hardships. And I've come to the point where I am never taken by surprise now, no matter what happens."

When we married, my mentor Mr. Toda gave her the following advice: Whatever unpleasant things may fill your day, always send him--me, that is--off and greet him back home with a smile. This may seem like very simple advice, but I think that it has taken great reserves of strength and wisdom to put into practice every day, as Kaneko has done. I can't describe in words what a positive influence her smile has had on me, particularly at times when I was exhausted or stressed from work. She says that while most people consider a smile the result of happiness, she sees a smile as the cause of happiness.

Her success in following Mr. Toda's words comes from her deep understanding of life. If she wasn't so very strong, I don't think she would have been able to maintain her constant optimism. Her motto is "You may not always win, but never give in to defeat, whatever the circumstances." Her constant encouragement and care have enabled me to overcome great obstacles. In fact I feel that our history is really the history of my wife's daily victories.

Our life together has not been easy. I have been devoting myself to a struggle to create a new age in which human life and happiness are valued above all. It has not been an ordinary life, and every day has been turbulent and eventful. At times I have been the subject of unfounded slanders and criticisms, and I was once jailed on trumped-up charges. I have always been surrounded by people and there are many demands on my attention and time. Yet, somehow, the more hardships we faced, the more we could strengthen our bond as comrades, as human beings, and as a couple. Everyday the bond between us gets deeper and deeper. And I know it will continue to deepen forever.

I have tried to write poems about my wife, and to take photographs of her, but often when we look at each other, we start to laugh, or she starts to scold me. However, I will end by sharing a poem I gave my wife some years ago:

Opening a new path
Together with you,
My inseparable support and companion.