SGI-USA Women's Division Leader-2002
QUESTION – After chanting for so many years how do you have a vibrant practice versus a "maintenance" practice?
RESPONSE – I have now been practicing for twenty six years. To some people in this room I am still a baby in this practice.
Freshness comes from the spirit to challenge ourselves to grow meaningfully. Pres. Ikeda has urged us to "find the one thing that seems the most impossible" and then throw ourselves into our practice and absolutely achieve victory. When you do this you see the rest of your life open.
Confidence is an effect not the cause. You get confidence following your action/victory from challenging the impossible.
Pres. Ikeda says that you cannot live life doing only what is easy for us. We must challenge to do that which we least want to do — if not we will be a slave to our own fundamental darkness.
Practice does not get easier the longer you practice but each year if more fulfilling. It is not easier because we are polishing our lives. As we get older we get past the easy stuff land down to core issues of our lives. Unless we break through in our lives we won't be able to move forward.
Pres. Ikeda says there is a fundamental evil, which is the source of all our suffering. It is a negative belief system about ourselves. We must discover this, face this and win over this evil.
Why is this so difficult? Because it is scary. Here is what I found out about my negative belief system. My mom was great. My dad was a total alcoholic. As a child, I was neglected by my dad. He didn't call. He didn't send birthday presents. I internalized that this neglect was my fault – something was wrong with me that my dad didn't want me or love me. This negative belief system has effected my entire life especially my relationships with men. This negative belief system then transformed into, I was not worthy to have what I want.
It seems an eternity ago but it was just last month that I was asked to go for training for zone women's leaders in Japan. I had been fighting to get this meeting. Most of the women zone leaders are not staff such as the men's zone leaders. These women are working, raising families, giving their all for Kosen Rufu. They give so much that they need more nourishment for themselves. Women are the glue of the organization.
Pres. Ikeda said yes to the meeting. I scheduled in the date. At the last moment the date was changed. The new date was schedule for the same day as the last day of mandatory supervisor training for my job. An SGI person told me, "Oh, well, you were in Japan recently. Don't feel bad. You can go again another time."
I felt so discouraged. No one could encourage me. I was having a pity party for one. What I had to do was to own my own reaction. I had to chant to see what this had to do with the other parts of my life. I needed to see the interconnectedness with myself as a child and my belief of my unworthiness.
For the first time, on that day I GOT BUDDHISM. I GOT ESHO FUNI. Our life is a visible manifestation of our mind. The environment mirrors back. I wasn't worthy of what I wanted.
When we separate the environment from ourselves we are dis-empowered. But I empower my life when I work on what's making me unhappy and chant and take full responsibility. I chanted "I must take full responsibility to change belief systems in my life." I have to battle with this whenever it raises it's ugly head and then use it positively to develop myself.
So since I had never really asked anything special from my job I decided that I needed to ask now. I explained the change in dates for the Japan trip and I was told there was no problem, to go with the rescheduled date.
When we are in a "maintenance" practice we are not challenging ourselves. In life there is no neutral. We are either going forward or backward. We need to constantly have new goals to revitalize our practice. We have to ask are we running away from the painful reality of our own lives.
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